A flame reignited inside of me,
warm and glowing.
But, scared by flame's touch
I am hesitant to move…
to breathe
as breath fuels fire.
Life.
Keep the embers glowing,
but beware.
I don't know how to approach this.
I see a beauty within me.
Beauty sees beauty. Feels beauty. Wants beauty.
Ignite.
Step back,
with regret.
I am afraid of what this flame could do to you,
and what your reaction could do to me.
So, I sit within these walls
forced into anti-apathy,
defined as…
too much feeling to deal with
so heart and mind deny feeling
until each is capable of sorting through the confusion.
This begins the new chapter.
This introduces the conflict.
Each day passing,
its pages are filled with emptiness
and feeling as though something is missing in the plot,
I am filled with disappointment.
Yet, I see potential.
I see what it is that I want.
Pen out of ink…
Life lacking energy,
these walls seem impenetrable
in this moment.
I want to play,
but cannot move.
I want to run
without running into walls.
I want to scream,
but have no voice.
I want love,
but cannot feel.
Want to feel,
but can only think.
Want to think clearly,
but, can't hold onto a million thoughts racing through my head
as I try to plot my next step.
Cold nights alone.
Teased by oxygen-starved flame.
Racing mind.
Writhing heart.
Meaningless responsibilities thrash before me.
Looking for an outlet to survive,
I stop
and wave goodbye
as the pieces of my life shatter and fall around me.
Confusing speechless spectators,
I glance at my audience and shrug.
Rescue effort, failed.
I have tried to catch these pieces…
…hold up these walls.
Experience is telling me to let go
as I sense I could be buried in an instant,
and frozen bones are fragile bones.
This destruction is unintentional…
I did not crack this shell.
The hammer is not in my hands,
but in my mind
connected to my heart.
As excitement builds
and feelings grow,
the hammer pounds.
And while hammers build houses,
they also tear them down.
I've learned home is where the heart is,
so there I will plant my soul.
But, slow and deliberate are the movements of the carpenter,
and I want to dance in my house.
II.
Tonight I sit, cold.
Mind's spinning slowed to a manageable pace,
still, not moving forward.
A day filled with anticipation of a night out.
Killed by indecision, exhaustion
and fear of misrepresenting passionate spirit
by twisted mind.
My stomach rumbles,
filling me with frustration that
as I try to make my dreams come true,
I am left hungry,
due to methods of control that kill the soul,
and drive us into consumer spending
happiness…
Selling children smiles by sacrificing children.
Selling bouncing breasts and asses,
so you can blow your wad
of cash
infecting lives of women, breasts deflated with hunger and poverty
asses sore with twenty hour, breakless labor stretches
and urine at their feet
Consumer saves a nickel
but cannot save their souls
as they pass it to the rich and powerful few,
who have no control over me.
Art saved my soul,
As I found beauty.
I saw beauty.
I heard beauty.
I felt beauty.
I AM beauty.
I will find my voice in art
and tell it to the world!
And…
while this cloud eats my brain, which tears at my soul
I will believe anything if it holds promise.
Hope.
So tonight,
my empty stomach and quiet heart
look to the stars for guidance.
My mind fills with fairy tales,
not of Prince Charming or a shining knight…
but, of Ugly ducklings and rose-filled eye sockets,
of Sunflower Sutra.
I allow myself to feel a slight warmth from
my soul's glow
but, do not stand too close.
My victory over clouded mind
is exhausted, hungry
and alone.
Existing somewhere between numb and uncomfortable,
with a head full of dreams.
My world.
Comfortable and beautiful..
Smiling, I see us there
sharing ideas and realizing dreams.
I want to be silly.
To laugh,
and play
sing
create
learn
invent
explore
and touch
and in the moments I feel overwhelmed…
cry into you as my eyes celebrate the beauty of it all.
This is my fairy tale…
my motivation to keep moving.
To experience each moment of beauty;
love and sadness
joy and pain
isolation
connection, excitement and fear
in the life I am moving through.
The life that I am running towards
clumsily stumbling towards
arms stretched out before me.
Running sideways and forward at the same time
trying to see and embrace what surrounds me…
anxious to embrace all that lies ahead.
But,
it seems I am only left spinning in circles.
And, if this dizziness
and this fall…
If it's all part of a game…
then I will play along
and laugh my way through it.
But tonight…
as I sit here
Alone and cold.
Hungry.
Struggling just to get up off the porch and go inside,
it does not feel like a game.
Denielle Rose
-March 5th-7th, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
19 April 2010
Healing or hurting... Somtimes it's the same.
Be STILL, heart
Quiet now...
it'll be okay.
Stay calm, heart
WithOut you
I will find my way
If you decide to move again
you're likely to break
into a thousand tiny pieces that I will have to take
and mend
into some semblance of what I think was you.
This is too much
The things you put me through.
And I just don't understand what it is that you do
to break and twist distort contort reality and
truth.
It has become remarkably clear
you have no home,
you'll never fit here.
So rest, my heart.
Be quiet now, please.
Forget this place and I'll try not to tease
your sensitive senses and passionate flow
of love and emotions that just do not know
when to stop.
See, you don't belong here.
It's now clear to me
You're alone loud or quiet
so just let me be
...alone...
I know there exists
a place for you
somewhere.
And, when i will find it, is neither here nor there,
as it is not here and we haven't gotten there.
So, rest, heart
be still
and I promise I will
set
you
free
when the time is right
and you can burst out with all of your might and
passion and fury
... blaze the world with your light.
But...
on a one on one basis you BLAST people's heads
and cause them to question love
and its true intent
...all from one lonely heart...
craving company
from hearts that can love it back
passion and beauty
and life.
ahhh but heart of illusions
this is reality
Life was much easier denying you exist
And I could shine much brighter when I could dismiss
true
underlying
emotion
passionate love of life...
to gaze,
not blaze beauty
...shine a light for all
to see
but not to feel
this feeling's splitting me in two
leaving me empty.
My soul squirms and cries,
all because of you,
sweet heart
yes, you had to start
your burning explosion of passion and love.
So rest, heart PLEASE! rest
'Till you learn not to shove
me around.
Be quiet now, heart
as I lock you away.
Be still heart
Don't panic
Everything's okay
oh heart, cold and calm
as I throw away this key
this time, please listen
...and don't try to break free.
Denielle S. Rose February 16, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Quiet now...
it'll be okay.
Stay calm, heart
WithOut you
I will find my way
If you decide to move again
you're likely to break
into a thousand tiny pieces that I will have to take
and mend
into some semblance of what I think was you.
This is too much
The things you put me through.
And I just don't understand what it is that you do
to break and twist distort contort reality and
truth.
It has become remarkably clear
you have no home,
you'll never fit here.
So rest, my heart.
Be quiet now, please.
Forget this place and I'll try not to tease
your sensitive senses and passionate flow
of love and emotions that just do not know
when to stop.
See, you don't belong here.
It's now clear to me
You're alone loud or quiet
so just let me be
...alone...
I know there exists
a place for you
somewhere.
And, when i will find it, is neither here nor there,
as it is not here and we haven't gotten there.
So, rest, heart
be still
and I promise I will
set
you
free
when the time is right
and you can burst out with all of your might and
passion and fury
... blaze the world with your light.
But...
on a one on one basis you BLAST people's heads
and cause them to question love
and its true intent
...all from one lonely heart...
craving company
from hearts that can love it back
passion and beauty
and life.
ahhh but heart of illusions
this is reality
Life was much easier denying you exist
And I could shine much brighter when I could dismiss
true
underlying
emotion
passionate love of life...
to gaze,
not blaze beauty
...shine a light for all
to see
but not to feel
this feeling's splitting me in two
leaving me empty.
My soul squirms and cries,
all because of you,
sweet heart
yes, you had to start
your burning explosion of passion and love.
So rest, heart PLEASE! rest
'Till you learn not to shove
me around.
Be quiet now, heart
as I lock you away.
Be still heart
Don't panic
Everything's okay
oh heart, cold and calm
as I throw away this key
this time, please listen
...and don't try to break free.
Denielle S. Rose February 16, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Here I go again...
Life drains out of me
in an empty yellow bottle
prescribed to me over the summer
in a fury of passion
sex
and drive for life
Madness
splitting head
in two worlds
of my reality
which is not real
but fantacy of substance.
Energy gone
I was hopeful that my realit
could help me push through
a short time between doctors
a miniscule time without
paper
pills
Sleep.
The thing I hate
is all I found
my life to be full of.
... and food.
My horrible attempt
to find energy and life.
Body hungry for something.
Self-medicated fatness.
Mental distortion rushing in
with each bite.
Energy gone.
No contact.
No talk.
No touch.
No medicine
on this day of love.
I have love...
but, don't have the energy
to express it
as lately its expression
has returned
nothing
but waiting
for some response
some sign
of some thing
someone
anything that
I can pretend
is warm.
I feel love
which travels away
in minds like my own
that cannot find
an outlet or expression
and eats the soul
as we eat ourselves
and eat our pills
and exist day to day
trying to consume life
and beauty.
Warning!
Do not stop taking medication
abruptly
as lack of it
will lead to withdrawl.
I am withdrawn
from life
from love
from passion
from beauty
...waiting...
for my prescription
which at least gives me the ability
to focus on something
beautiful.
Denielle S. Rose February 14, 2006
in an empty yellow bottle
prescribed to me over the summer
in a fury of passion
sex
and drive for life
Madness
splitting head
in two worlds
of my reality
which is not real
but fantacy of substance.
Energy gone
I was hopeful that my realit
could help me push through
a short time between doctors
a miniscule time without
paper
pills
Sleep.
The thing I hate
is all I found
my life to be full of.
... and food.
My horrible attempt
to find energy and life.
Body hungry for something.
Self-medicated fatness.
Mental distortion rushing in
with each bite.
Energy gone.
No contact.
No talk.
No touch.
No medicine
on this day of love.
I have love...
but, don't have the energy
to express it
as lately its expression
has returned
nothing
but waiting
for some response
some sign
of some thing
someone
anything that
I can pretend
is warm.
I feel love
which travels away
in minds like my own
that cannot find
an outlet or expression
and eats the soul
as we eat ourselves
and eat our pills
and exist day to day
trying to consume life
and beauty.
Warning!
Do not stop taking medication
abruptly
as lack of it
will lead to withdrawl.
I am withdrawn
from life
from love
from passion
from beauty
...waiting...
for my prescription
which at least gives me the ability
to focus on something
beautiful.
Denielle S. Rose February 14, 2006
Three titleless old poems...
Sudden Desire.
The moon calls out to me tonight.
Impulsive, desire.
Soft glow highlights
Hard Muscle. Warm flesh.
Shimmering light on sparkling wet lips. Quivering
anticipation. My senses tingle.
I want to feel alive, tonight.
Moons suggestive whisper, persistant.
I want to be filled tonight. Fulfilled.
Gentle touch.
Firm penetration.
Thrusting desperation. Electric connection. Beautiful gaze.
Lust. Passion. Spiritual discharge.
Moonlight ecstasy.
Burning sensual desire builds
hearing nothing but moons luring song.
Presented only with disheartening reality;
I am my only companion tonight.
The moon turns its back on me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Everything I touch goes bad.
Curiosity propels my gentle prod.
Exploration drives my fixed gaze.
Desire pushes me to want more.
I cannot help myself
...I have no self control.
Everything I touch goes mad.
Trapped inside myself.
In my struggle to reach out
...break free
I destroy my surroundings
in a burst of energy
My energy propels me.
Existing on feeling
and beauty overlooked.
Cursed.
I'll find treasures you'll never know,
only to see them burn in my passion.
___________________________________________________________________________
Sad emptiness
is all that fills me.
Though, I desire much more.
Dark night.
...memories of excitement,
as staleness creeps in.
Deafening silence.
...I am trapped within myself.
I want
...need to break free.
Escape. Annihilate.
Drowned in my own existence
in an illusion of experience.
Importance.
Unidentified needs
bury me in confusion
and I cannot help myself.
I will never be normal.
I will never be full.
Time passes without me
locked in this impenetrable world.
Alone.
Denielle S. Rose - 2005
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
The moon calls out to me tonight.
Impulsive, desire.
Soft glow highlights
Hard Muscle. Warm flesh.
Shimmering light on sparkling wet lips. Quivering
anticipation. My senses tingle.
I want to feel alive, tonight.
Moons suggestive whisper, persistant.
I want to be filled tonight. Fulfilled.
Gentle touch.
Firm penetration.
Thrusting desperation. Electric connection. Beautiful gaze.
Lust. Passion. Spiritual discharge.
Moonlight ecstasy.
Burning sensual desire builds
hearing nothing but moons luring song.
Presented only with disheartening reality;
I am my only companion tonight.
The moon turns its back on me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Everything I touch goes bad.
Curiosity propels my gentle prod.
Exploration drives my fixed gaze.
Desire pushes me to want more.
I cannot help myself
...I have no self control.
Everything I touch goes mad.
Trapped inside myself.
In my struggle to reach out
...break free
I destroy my surroundings
in a burst of energy
My energy propels me.
Existing on feeling
and beauty overlooked.
Cursed.
I'll find treasures you'll never know,
only to see them burn in my passion.
___________________________________________________________________________
Sad emptiness
is all that fills me.
Though, I desire much more.
Dark night.
...memories of excitement,
as staleness creeps in.
Deafening silence.
...I am trapped within myself.
I want
...need to break free.
Escape. Annihilate.
Drowned in my own existence
in an illusion of experience.
Importance.
Unidentified needs
bury me in confusion
and I cannot help myself.
I will never be normal.
I will never be full.
Time passes without me
locked in this impenetrable world.
Alone.
Denielle S. Rose - 2005
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Stealing an idea...
Ready to burst with feeling. Desire. For something more close. To feel forever... to get lost... to be found... To be felt. A look in our eyes, in my eyes... what is unspoken speaks so loudly... but, I can't tell if it is your voice or mine... or the two singing together... but, it sounds so sweet. t feels so perfect. Too perfect... because there is no such thing as perfect... except for what feels right in the moment. Moment to moment... I want a moment. I had a moment... I felt. I desire more. I have so much doubt... in myself. I am so scared of realizing this is a dream.
Stuck. I don't know how to move.. I want to dance... I want to shout and sing... I want to hold. I want to explore. I want to rest. I want to take my time, and enjoy myself... but, my fear makes me run away... before you do. And, it is this fear. The doubt. The overwhelming sadness. The great. The passion. The undescribable comfort. It is all of this that makes me lonely.
I have tired emotions. I want to pour out my love. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to breath life into everything. But, you can not give CPR to someone who breathes on their own.
The feeling is more dramatic than the reality... but, I never paid attention to what was real.
Oh... smile. Smile for me... no, smile from me. For you. What can I give? I only have love. I only have passion... and, it is yours. What I need, most do not... I cannot require or request. Just hope...
-Denielle Rose January 20, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Stuck. I don't know how to move.. I want to dance... I want to shout and sing... I want to hold. I want to explore. I want to rest. I want to take my time, and enjoy myself... but, my fear makes me run away... before you do. And, it is this fear. The doubt. The overwhelming sadness. The great. The passion. The undescribable comfort. It is all of this that makes me lonely.
I have tired emotions. I want to pour out my love. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to breath life into everything. But, you can not give CPR to someone who breathes on their own.
The feeling is more dramatic than the reality... but, I never paid attention to what was real.
Oh... smile. Smile for me... no, smile from me. For you. What can I give? I only have love. I only have passion... and, it is yours. What I need, most do not... I cannot require or request. Just hope...
-Denielle Rose January 20, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Holding on to a feeling.
A warm glowing light
was handed to me.
Hungry, I held on
as it penetrated my soul
and made me warm.
A bird called my name
with a beautiful song.
Lonely, I listened
recognizing its song
as what my heart was crying out.
Laughter filled my lungs,
passion filled my soul,
love filled my heart..
As a heart so big
it is unfitting for this world,
loved me, for a moment.
And I knew I..d been blest.
Lightning moves sideways
between us.
In an instant. Connection
electrifies my soul.
For the first time
I am alive again!
Denielle Rose - January 17, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
was handed to me.
Hungry, I held on
as it penetrated my soul
and made me warm.
A bird called my name
with a beautiful song.
Lonely, I listened
recognizing its song
as what my heart was crying out.
Laughter filled my lungs,
passion filled my soul,
love filled my heart..
As a heart so big
it is unfitting for this world,
loved me, for a moment.
And I knew I..d been blest.
Lightning moves sideways
between us.
In an instant. Connection
electrifies my soul.
For the first time
I am alive again!
Denielle Rose - January 17, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
This was an important start...
This changes nothing…
a scribble of words…
an attempt to catch a thought.
The cycle is faster now,
heavy on the top, hollow in the center.
Spinning emptiness.
A rant…
of little purpose or relevance.
My eyes conspire against me.
Heavy, they trick me into sleep.
I’ve lost, once more…
…surrendering to the void of exhaustion…
I was alone. Again.
A feeling.
Such a small thing to let shake us. Hurt us.
Ecstasy.
Irrationalities.
Move me!
In, around and on me.
I crave beauty more and more each day.
The beauty of a soul.
Darkness. Fear. Agonizing and beautiful.
My heart is racing…
Electric connection, oh so brief.
Calm. Stillness.
My energy chemically balanced as it pours through me.
A rise of my chest
up to my eyes who’s tearless nature deny its dissipation.
Moving me moving me move in me.
I want to see more through my fingertips…
penetrating layers, my mind peers in awe.
Flesh. Bone. Flesh…
Soft.
A quiet calm as I trace its figure in my mind.
My fingers explore.
Hair. Bone. A dip. A curve.
Foundation of the spirit.
I selfishly consume.
Insatiable hunger.
A waist…
Tender, yet solid.
My senses quiver as I slowly stroll to the hip.
I stay.
Overwhelming beauty.
Most sensual sight.
I know this cannot last forever
and I will be left. Alone…hungry.
I crave to be seen…
…and to see myself through the touch of another…
the only way I feel soft and beautiful.
No one gazes.
My beauty lies deep.
Penetrate my surface! Help me find my soul.
Loneliness.
Alone I wander down my path.
Alone.
A wandering junkie…I need more. Need more. Need more.
Alone.
Energy bounding, mind racing, thoughts spinning.
Someone…help me.
No one hears my whispered plea…
There is no one to tell.
My energy. My demons. My angels…
They have driven everyone away.
My treasure has been buried too deep,
draining those who have tried to dig.
Wearily…
they have moved to something more rewarding.
I move. Wander.
Driven by cravings.
Live life, live life. Love and life. Beauty.
Dreaded boredom. Persistent. Strong.
Most awful boredom…accentuating my lonely emptiness.
Anxiety isolates me.
Boredom. Isolation. Loneliness. Hunger. Live! Life. Beauty. Flesh. Spirit. Soul.
Lone traveler. Driven by energy.
Spinning. Cycles of thought. Emptiness.
Full of emptiness.
Where did it go?
A birth defect? Or was it taken in my childhood?
Maybe I left it somewhere. The playground? The bedroom? Under a pile of laundry?
I will never be normal.
Don’t want to be, anyway.
Conversing with my thoughts…my company…
the only thing that has stayed with me over time.
I have befriended myself.
Together we search…driven down my path…leading somewhere.
Possibilities spinning. Racing. Cycles of thought. Internal conversation.
I laugh at my cleverness and turn to share my joy.
No one is there.
Lonliness.
I move forward. Driven by energy. Moving. Racing. Going somewhere.
Possibilities wide open.
My path is sweet and pretty.
There is promise in its destination.
Child-like excitement. I want to jump and roll around.
Excitement…energy…reaches my chest…a rush…rising…
my eyes lift their gates as it pours from me in a quick rush.
Hopeful excitement. Dreams of beauty.
I catch my reflection
and gaze, only for a second.
Who’s that?
Yes, I know you.
My beauty gazes back at me, and I want to cry in recognition of it’s empty, longing stare.
I am moving…hurrying along.
Stay focused. Keep going. Moving, spinning, racing.
Wishing a conversation was there to help me. Energize me.
Distract me from the pain in my body.
To fill the emptiness of my soul.
Craving. Craving. Craving.
I move forward.
An occasional encounter.
Intersecting paths.
Beautiful stranger.
I touch hesitantly.
Devour and then left. Alone.
Moving, racing, spinning.
Gazing at my path I miss nothing but all that others see.
Moving, racing, building tension.
Rising anxiety, welling emotion…
my eyes deny me, again.
Cycled emotion. Bittersweet beauty. Anxiety. Loneliness.
To exchange just one word.
Someone!
Needing contact. Brief is okay. Connection. Release.
One word… Just one word .
Even just to hear one word. See a silhouette. Something. Something.
Someone.
I move along my path. Driven.
I search for beauty.
Moving, racing, spinning.
Endless possibilities ahead.
A whisper . Shhhh…
Beauty. Moving. The voice hisses softly…
‘ Your existence…A drive…Leads you on a path
which may lead nowhere …'
-Denielle Rose / August, 2005
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
a scribble of words…
an attempt to catch a thought.
The cycle is faster now,
heavy on the top, hollow in the center.
Spinning emptiness.
A rant…
of little purpose or relevance.
My eyes conspire against me.
Heavy, they trick me into sleep.
I’ve lost, once more…
…surrendering to the void of exhaustion…
I was alone. Again.
A feeling.
Such a small thing to let shake us. Hurt us.
Ecstasy.
Irrationalities.
Move me!
In, around and on me.
I crave beauty more and more each day.
The beauty of a soul.
Darkness. Fear. Agonizing and beautiful.
My heart is racing…
Electric connection, oh so brief.
Calm. Stillness.
My energy chemically balanced as it pours through me.
A rise of my chest
up to my eyes who’s tearless nature deny its dissipation.
Moving me moving me move in me.
I want to see more through my fingertips…
penetrating layers, my mind peers in awe.
Flesh. Bone. Flesh…
Soft.
A quiet calm as I trace its figure in my mind.
My fingers explore.
Hair. Bone. A dip. A curve.
Foundation of the spirit.
I selfishly consume.
Insatiable hunger.
A waist…
Tender, yet solid.
My senses quiver as I slowly stroll to the hip.
I stay.
Overwhelming beauty.
Most sensual sight.
I know this cannot last forever
and I will be left. Alone…hungry.
I crave to be seen…
…and to see myself through the touch of another…
the only way I feel soft and beautiful.
No one gazes.
My beauty lies deep.
Penetrate my surface! Help me find my soul.
Loneliness.
Alone I wander down my path.
Alone.
A wandering junkie…I need more. Need more. Need more.
Alone.
Energy bounding, mind racing, thoughts spinning.
Someone…help me.
No one hears my whispered plea…
There is no one to tell.
My energy. My demons. My angels…
They have driven everyone away.
My treasure has been buried too deep,
draining those who have tried to dig.
Wearily…
they have moved to something more rewarding.
I move. Wander.
Driven by cravings.
Live life, live life. Love and life. Beauty.
Dreaded boredom. Persistent. Strong.
Most awful boredom…accentuating my lonely emptiness.
Anxiety isolates me.
Boredom. Isolation. Loneliness. Hunger. Live! Life. Beauty. Flesh. Spirit. Soul.
Lone traveler. Driven by energy.
Spinning. Cycles of thought. Emptiness.
Full of emptiness.
Where did it go?
A birth defect? Or was it taken in my childhood?
Maybe I left it somewhere. The playground? The bedroom? Under a pile of laundry?
I will never be normal.
Don’t want to be, anyway.
Conversing with my thoughts…my company…
the only thing that has stayed with me over time.
I have befriended myself.
Together we search…driven down my path…leading somewhere.
Possibilities spinning. Racing. Cycles of thought. Internal conversation.
I laugh at my cleverness and turn to share my joy.
No one is there.
Lonliness.
I move forward. Driven by energy. Moving. Racing. Going somewhere.
Possibilities wide open.
My path is sweet and pretty.
There is promise in its destination.
Child-like excitement. I want to jump and roll around.
Excitement…energy…reaches my chest…a rush…rising…
my eyes lift their gates as it pours from me in a quick rush.
Hopeful excitement. Dreams of beauty.
I catch my reflection
and gaze, only for a second.
Who’s that?
Yes, I know you.
My beauty gazes back at me, and I want to cry in recognition of it’s empty, longing stare.
I am moving…hurrying along.
Stay focused. Keep going. Moving, spinning, racing.
Wishing a conversation was there to help me. Energize me.
Distract me from the pain in my body.
To fill the emptiness of my soul.
Craving. Craving. Craving.
I move forward.
An occasional encounter.
Intersecting paths.
Beautiful stranger.
I touch hesitantly.
Devour and then left. Alone.
Moving, racing, spinning.
Gazing at my path I miss nothing but all that others see.
Moving, racing, building tension.
Rising anxiety, welling emotion…
my eyes deny me, again.
Cycled emotion. Bittersweet beauty. Anxiety. Loneliness.
To exchange just one word.
Someone!
Needing contact. Brief is okay. Connection. Release.
One word… Just one word .
Even just to hear one word. See a silhouette. Something. Something.
Someone.
I move along my path. Driven.
I search for beauty.
Moving, racing, spinning.
Endless possibilities ahead.
A whisper . Shhhh…
Beauty. Moving. The voice hisses softly…
‘ Your existence…A drive…Leads you on a path
which may lead nowhere …'
-Denielle Rose / August, 2005
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
16 April 2010
Empty handed...
If you thought
I never thought
of this before...
I'm here again
beside you
and apart from you.
Heart broken.
If you thought
I'd never thought
of you before.
I'm here beside you
reaching out
to nothing
but broken heart
to broken heart
and you are blind
and I am blind
but I see the whole picture
all the same.
We're not so different
after all...
except that I am reaching out to you
and you are reaching out
and we are both
empty
staring to the stars
for answers.
Empty handed
walking
nowhere.
Will we ever find
our place?
When will we realize...
There is nothing more than
what we have...
Look.
... How beautiful it all is.
Denielle S. Rose - July 20, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
I never thought
of this before...
I'm here again
beside you
and apart from you.
Heart broken.
If you thought
I'd never thought
of you before.
I'm here beside you
reaching out
to nothing
but broken heart
to broken heart
and you are blind
and I am blind
but I see the whole picture
all the same.
We're not so different
after all...
except that I am reaching out to you
and you are reaching out
and we are both
empty
staring to the stars
for answers.
Empty handed
walking
nowhere.
Will we ever find
our place?
When will we realize...
There is nothing more than
what we have...
Look.
... How beautiful it all is.
Denielle S. Rose - July 20, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
When Worlds Collide...
Throwing pennies
to the wind...
The universe gives
what it takes
and takes
what it gives.
I've stopped holding on.
My biggest strength
or biggest weakness?
The more I know
the less I know
and I can't see
myself in the mirror
anymore.
I've lost my path...
a course I was
never fond of.
The place you are
waiting for me...
Two worlds
know my name,
yet I can barely
speak it myself
these days.
When will I realize
for myself
two is two
and two equals one?
When will two
worlds collide
so I can
follow my path
between them?
Denielle S. Rose - July 23, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
to the wind...
The universe gives
what it takes
and takes
what it gives.
I've stopped holding on.
My biggest strength
or biggest weakness?
The more I know
the less I know
and I can't see
myself in the mirror
anymore.
I've lost my path...
a course I was
never fond of.
The place you are
waiting for me...
Two worlds
know my name,
yet I can barely
speak it myself
these days.
When will I realize
for myself
two is two
and two equals one?
When will two
worlds collide
so I can
follow my path
between them?
Denielle S. Rose - July 23, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Fertalizer...
Somewhere
between
the start
and the goal
we broke down
on our knees
begging
for answers
and found
nothing
but shit
all around.
It's time
to plant
seeds.
Denielle S. Rose - July 27, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
between
the start
and the goal
we broke down
on our knees
begging
for answers
and found
nothing
but shit
all around.
It's time
to plant
seeds.
Denielle S. Rose - July 27, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
A day for losing minds...
Morning light
shined
and I wished
I was
dead
in an instant
crying
out of my mind
in a fury
with this
not much of
a life
so sweetly
bitter
drunk
and sober
by starlight
only through
magic
in paint
and the soul
in the voice
singing
out of my head
and my soul
through
my friend
to my home
where you
will be soon.
Denielle S. Rose - July 28, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
shined
and I wished
I was
dead
in an instant
crying
out of my mind
in a fury
with this
not much of
a life
so sweetly
bitter
drunk
and sober
by starlight
only through
magic
in paint
and the soul
in the voice
singing
out of my head
and my soul
through
my friend
to my home
where you
will be soon.
Denielle S. Rose - July 28, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Doma Nakonyets...
Time stretched
before my eyes
as I walk
the line
between
you and me
joining hands
toward our destiny.
Blue eye's
sweet caress
over lines
and a deep sigh
breath of comfort
as I slip into
this moment
of the future
and my forever
beneath fingertip
explorations of the path.
I smile more now.
Denielle S. Rose - September 1, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
before my eyes
as I walk
the line
between
you and me
joining hands
toward our destiny.
Blue eye's
sweet caress
over lines
and a deep sigh
breath of comfort
as I slip into
this moment
of the future
and my forever
beneath fingertip
explorations of the path.
I smile more now.
Denielle S. Rose - September 1, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
This 'away' thing is shit...
How will we
find the water
through the waves?
Where does one see
the calm
in the storm?
Now my tears
meet my smile
and I feel peace
within anxiety
and the big pictures
I see
are so beautiful
and the little ones
are so fun.
My dreams are fighting
nightmares.
The shine in my eye
is fighting back tears...
but, I have it all.
We only need to
take this step forward...
and the next step.
Forward.
And, I'll hold out my hand
for you.
And with each step forward
we'll discover life
and lifetimes to come
and we'll never know before now
again.
Still,
there's a storm in the calm now...
there are waves all around now...
and I'm worrying only for you.
Because I know we will get there,
if you can only
get here...
and I know you can,
so just will.
My hand is waiting.
The storm is calming.
And a warm place
waits for you.
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
find the water
through the waves?
Where does one see
the calm
in the storm?
Now my tears
meet my smile
and I feel peace
within anxiety
and the big pictures
I see
are so beautiful
and the little ones
are so fun.
My dreams are fighting
nightmares.
The shine in my eye
is fighting back tears...
but, I have it all.
We only need to
take this step forward...
and the next step.
Forward.
And, I'll hold out my hand
for you.
And with each step forward
we'll discover life
and lifetimes to come
and we'll never know before now
again.
Still,
there's a storm in the calm now...
there are waves all around now...
and I'm worrying only for you.
Because I know we will get there,
if you can only
get here...
and I know you can,
so just will.
My hand is waiting.
The storm is calming.
And a warm place
waits for you.
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Good riddance...
Past
behind me
I'm ready
to leave it
there.
No need
to look behind
when the future
is so bright.
There is no friend
more sacred
than this path.
No more longing
for what is long gone.
I've made up my mind.
What will stay behind
will be left behind.
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
behind me
I'm ready
to leave it
there.
No need
to look behind
when the future
is so bright.
There is no friend
more sacred
than this path.
No more longing
for what is long gone.
I've made up my mind.
What will stay behind
will be left behind.
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Times are a changin'...
Here is the point in my life where I realize I have only one true friend. Yes, there is a friend or two who will think of me a time or two a year... and friends I will think of likewise... but, suddenly at age twenty eight... there is only one person who is prominent in my life. Is this normal? Is this life? Is this destiny? No matter the answer... Frankly, I am more comfortable around one than many. One has changed faces to the better... and in it's absence I am staring blankly at walls that remind me of one... because it is the one true expression of our two into one. And one has been divided into to two... for a short time... and the reality is it is a secret that no one knows... that there is one... and I am a bit lost amongst it all.
My drunken breasts are heaving and hoeing with every minute that passes by. Secrets only keep themselves so long, and it is just a matter of time until things blossom into something beautiful... and well spoken.
Still, there is just one sparkle I keep... and one sparkle I hold... and things are quite dull right now. But, I still have a sparkle... growing stronger each minute... and I'm still holding tight to the one that I know. And I'm painting my beer, just to keep myself going... until I sleep... because hours unconscious are the hours I get through easiest... as two.
So you've gone crazy. I won't go crazy... crazily waiting for you.
Maybe it's age. I'm sure it's our fate. Two's never been so ready for one. I'm getting better. I'm getting older. I'm getting calmer. I'm ready to step up and be the support for what will be amazing... for what is amazing... for what is amazing... for what will change lifetimes... and worlds... and move mountains. We are gods. A force to be reckoned with... an unstoppable drive... or stoppable peace... and lovely gardens... we'll have it all... if we try.
My breasts heave and hoe... my hips click and clack... my eyes shine through continents and lifetimes and mirrors... and my tears sit alone... with me. Waiting. Ready. Growing....
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
My drunken breasts are heaving and hoeing with every minute that passes by. Secrets only keep themselves so long, and it is just a matter of time until things blossom into something beautiful... and well spoken.
Still, there is just one sparkle I keep... and one sparkle I hold... and things are quite dull right now. But, I still have a sparkle... growing stronger each minute... and I'm still holding tight to the one that I know. And I'm painting my beer, just to keep myself going... until I sleep... because hours unconscious are the hours I get through easiest... as two.
So you've gone crazy. I won't go crazy... crazily waiting for you.
Maybe it's age. I'm sure it's our fate. Two's never been so ready for one. I'm getting better. I'm getting older. I'm getting calmer. I'm ready to step up and be the support for what will be amazing... for what is amazing... for what is amazing... for what will change lifetimes... and worlds... and move mountains. We are gods. A force to be reckoned with... an unstoppable drive... or stoppable peace... and lovely gardens... we'll have it all... if we try.
My breasts heave and hoe... my hips click and clack... my eyes shine through continents and lifetimes and mirrors... and my tears sit alone... with me. Waiting. Ready. Growing....
Denielle S. Rose - October 22, 2007
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
His story...
Head unburied
in books,
I prefer
to touch
the magic seams
of life.
Never,
have I read
a book telling
richer stories
than those found
in your eyes.
Touch flesh
or touch a page...
touch a tree
and tell me
the timeless tales
running through your
blood...
through your soul.
True,
I like a good story...
but, love and live
by life.
Denielle S. Rose - February 10, 2008
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
in books,
I prefer
to touch
the magic seams
of life.
Never,
have I read
a book telling
richer stories
than those found
in your eyes.
Touch flesh
or touch a page...
touch a tree
and tell me
the timeless tales
running through your
blood...
through your soul.
True,
I like a good story...
but, love and live
by life.
Denielle S. Rose - February 10, 2008
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Makin' it...
Belly bursted wishes
and confusion.
I drink your words
as you spill them over
and wish for better days.
What we get
is what gets us down
or all around
and I am grateful.
Angry.
Baby bursted wishes
still I know better
and wonder what is better.
Hallucinogen conversations
told me so.
Baby waits some time
but wanted to walk across the sea
who took my soul for now
until we return.
She wants me and I want her.
Almost as much as you.
Baby prays to her.
Baby prays to me.
Every day I am more ready.
Every day I am here.
Let's build a home.
Let's build a dream.
Let's build a legacy.
Let's. Let's. Let's.
Come. With me.
And build.
Denielle S. Rose - February 22, 2009
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
and confusion.
I drink your words
as you spill them over
and wish for better days.
What we get
is what gets us down
or all around
and I am grateful.
Angry.
Baby bursted wishes
still I know better
and wonder what is better.
Hallucinogen conversations
told me so.
Baby waits some time
but wanted to walk across the sea
who took my soul for now
until we return.
She wants me and I want her.
Almost as much as you.
Baby prays to her.
Baby prays to me.
Every day I am more ready.
Every day I am here.
Let's build a home.
Let's build a dream.
Let's build a legacy.
Let's. Let's. Let's.
Come. With me.
And build.
Denielle S. Rose - February 22, 2009
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
Jelly beans are over... (a Sestina Poem)
I never cared much for jelly beans
But spent a childhood longing... in my adulthood for a jump rope
and your lips, so juicy
justice
served, jealousy
forgotten. And life is quite jovial.
We met under Jovial
patterns in the sky. Craft service jellybeans
sickened us. Eyes full of jealousy
peeking through Sushi store windows... and a little girl's jump rope...
What is justice?
None are as juicy...
Your laugh is most juicy.
I live life for it now. It makes me so jovial.
Your smile is my justice.
And while others crave jelly beans
I would jump rope(s)
to gaze in your eyes. I feel no jealousy.
We are ugly under jealousy...
And with you, I want to be juicy.
Excited. Burning energy under a jump rope.
Jovial
reigning with Saturn and marriage... though I will not serve jelly beans
when we marry, or ever... as they serve no justice.
What do I know of justice?
I can barely contain my jealousy.
But quite sure I don't get jelly beans.
Our juicy, juicy
secret, exploded and we got jovial...
But, I still haven't gotten to jump rope.
I've been wanting to jump rope...
And will if justice
serves the jovial.
I've managed my jealously
consuming YOUR juicy
in the place of jelly beans.
My jovial laughter roars under the jump rope,
but jelly beans serve no justice
to calm the apparant jealousy I devour of your juicy.
Denielle S. Rose - November 15, 2008
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
But spent a childhood longing... in my adulthood for a jump rope
and your lips, so juicy
justice
served, jealousy
forgotten. And life is quite jovial.
We met under Jovial
patterns in the sky. Craft service jellybeans
sickened us. Eyes full of jealousy
peeking through Sushi store windows... and a little girl's jump rope...
What is justice?
None are as juicy...
Your laugh is most juicy.
I live life for it now. It makes me so jovial.
Your smile is my justice.
And while others crave jelly beans
I would jump rope(s)
to gaze in your eyes. I feel no jealousy.
We are ugly under jealousy...
And with you, I want to be juicy.
Excited. Burning energy under a jump rope.
Jovial
reigning with Saturn and marriage... though I will not serve jelly beans
when we marry, or ever... as they serve no justice.
What do I know of justice?
I can barely contain my jealousy.
But quite sure I don't get jelly beans.
Our juicy, juicy
secret, exploded and we got jovial...
But, I still haven't gotten to jump rope.
I've been wanting to jump rope...
And will if justice
serves the jovial.
I've managed my jealously
consuming YOUR juicy
in the place of jelly beans.
My jovial laughter roars under the jump rope,
but jelly beans serve no justice
to calm the apparant jealousy I devour of your juicy.
Denielle S. Rose - November 15, 2008
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
I guess, if I have to be...
I am beginning to realize just how distant, lets say... 25 years old... seems from me right now... at 29 years. (Yet somehow, 9 years old seems closer than ever). I've left lifetimes and friends and acquaintances in the dust... and I've never really looked back. Nor do I intend to. Though, there is the occasion when I miss someone... and a few people I would love to re-establish contact with. Still, I feel no regret or remorse for all of this. In fact, most often I feel relieved by it. I have very few friends these days. I have a lot of love in my heart for old friends... but, really... I'm happy the way things are now.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Most people don't know me now... and since I was really lost before... most people don't know me. I've barely been able to say my name and know what that means until recently. But, I am "born again"... so to speak. And, I'm happy.
Life is simple, except when it is complicated. I live on the northern border of Los Angeles, CA. Andrejs and I rent a simple room. Together, for work we are a production sound team in the film industry. I am the sound mixer, Andrejs is the boom operator. I like my job.
I enjoy cooking, though it is challenging without a stove. I didn't really know how to cook until about a year or two ago. Andrejs showed me the basics, and I took off like a rocket! (There are many puddles and stains to mark my path.) I cooked my first chicken and rice soup from scratch last week... including the chicken stock! ALL from scratch. Not one thing came pre-made or canned! It tasted great (I know by instinct, smell, tongue tastes and reactions.) I don't eat chicken. I love to cook. I love it when Andrejs is eating something good and wholesome and healthy and tasty, which I have made.
I am a knitter and I crochet. I am obsessed. They are my zen meditation equivalents. I learned how to do each in November, and have been going nearly nonstop. I have made and given away approximately two scarves, ten hats and two purses. I have one more purse done, a backpack almost done, a change purse done... and a hat and some headbands. I can't wait to do more change purses and pouches... and just got a package of every size knitting needle in bamboo for only $18 from China on Ebay!!! Soon, I will grow bamboo and make my own.
I want us to build a house. I want to spin my own yarn. I want to make natural dyes. I want a goat (or two or more). My goat will provide me with hair for yarn and milk for cheese... and it will mow the lawn by eating it! I want bee hives. I want greenhouses and gardens and mushrooms. I want to make my own mead... and wine... and beer. I want to live by the water. I might want chickens... but they are weird animals. Still, fresh eggs would be cool.
I make my own kombucha and water kefir. The cultures are amazing!!! They are like pets to me and I care a great deal for the life-forms they are and the health and goodness they provide to Andrejs and I. I have three jars of each.
We quit drinking again. I could have gotten drunk today. I really want some psychedelic drugs. I miss K. There is no acid in CA. I don't smoke pot. One day I will make my own alcohol... and we will work on gardens and in film during the summer and spring and fall... and by winter the brews will be ready and work will be slow and it will be colder (though I want to live in a moderate climate in Arizona or something similar)... and we will enjoy our drinking when the time of year is right to drink... the way it was in the nature of things... and life will be good.
Soon, we'll start making solar panels. Maybe we'll make a horizontal wind turbine... otherwise, we'll buy one when the time comes. One day, we'll build an electric car... that's gonna be fun!
Life... is good. I finally know what I want and I am surrounded by the things that I truly love... nice and simple. And even on days like today, when the sun didn't quite make it out... and we didn't quite fix the car (well, it ended up breaking more... but tomorrow we'll fix it more... (ps our volvo 1990 240 dl wagon is the sexiest and best car on earth, probably... to be continued later!))... and we woke up kind of crabby and pretty early... and we have no work and we are almost out of money... well, even on days like this: when I step out of the frustration and think about it all... I'm still smiling all around. I'm happy the way most people tell you that you can't be happy. And I believed them; once. But, now... I guess I've proved other-wise.
Denielle S. Rose - May 30, 2009
Denielle S. Rose - May 30, 2009
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
26 January 2010
Next!
So, everything from our first moving run is unpacked and in a place. I'm ready for the next and final round, though it may be a few days before that gets done. I don't know where I will put the rest! It is mostly tools and paint supplies/arts and crafts... Our hobby stuff. Maybe I will find a dresser or bookshelf which will open some real estate in the room... And I foresee some closet consolidation magic on the horizon. I am sure I can pack a few boxes away for three months and store them in garage.
Anyway, I am pleased with myself. We have a functional/semi decorated room in just three days. Next, I'm tackling the bathroom!
An old Barcelonean roommate of ours once said about a clean home... It's not work; it's a quality of life...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Anyway, I am pleased with myself. We have a functional/semi decorated room in just three days. Next, I'm tackling the bathroom!
An old Barcelonean roommate of ours once said about a clean home... It's not work; it's a quality of life...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
25 January 2010
Settling In...
Our old room was semi-furnished with crappy/ugly things that I was hoping to replace. Now, I am trying to unpack... And I should have been more grateful for what I had. I am scrambling to find some goodies on Craigslist in the free section. Hopefully, I'll get lucky.
I did the math, and this is something like my 25th move ... (and that was on the underestimation of my quick count) ... in my 30 years of life. I'm a bloody pro! Anyway, I don't waste time. I can't. Feeling settled and that comfort of home... that foundation... well, it is a basic human need.
When I met Andrejs, I really understood that feeling of home... in a deeper way than I ever had beforel. So, it is very important to me to keep a good homestead no matter where that might be.
This place is much cozier. It needs a little scrubbing... but I'm good at that! A dresser and a shelf, and I'll have things in order licketty split. Then we whet to plan our next move... in about three months.
Tonight, it's good to be home.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I did the math, and this is something like my 25th move ... (and that was on the underestimation of my quick count) ... in my 30 years of life. I'm a bloody pro! Anyway, I don't waste time. I can't. Feeling settled and that comfort of home... that foundation... well, it is a basic human need.
When I met Andrejs, I really understood that feeling of home... in a deeper way than I ever had beforel. So, it is very important to me to keep a good homestead no matter where that might be.
This place is much cozier. It needs a little scrubbing... but I'm good at that! A dresser and a shelf, and I'll have things in order licketty split. Then we whet to plan our next move... in about three months.
Tonight, it's good to be home.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
27 October 2006
Sestina: Breaking down reality...
"Don't be such a worrywart,"
he said, sweeping
the dust from my eyes... their neutral
blue-grey scanning the headless
masses from the window. Our shoulders quake
through the curtain breeze of his chamber.
Stiff drinks in chamber
confinement, subdue the worrywart
in me and the quake
in my heart, sweeping
the soul of his headless
form... his sweat-soaked forehead, a pasty neutral.
My mind stays neutral
keeping my soul in its chamber
though it is wishing I were headless
and less of a worrywart
permitting the sweeping
and the destruction of the quake.
Its destructive quake
is in some sense neutral,
sweeping
away the chamber
of the worrywart,
leaving us heartfull and headless.
The headless
soul quake
wakes the worrywart
in you and I and all who are not neutral
except by nature. Drowning chamber
realities with decoration and sweeping.
I am sweeping
the dust from his headless
brow, in the confines of the chamber
never and always trembling beneath the quake
of two souls with gears stuck out of neutral
and minds screaming the voice of worrywart.
"We should try sweeping," the dust from the soul quake
leaving us headless and neutral;
the quake crumbling its chamber and the mind of the worrywart.
Denielle S. Rose - October 12, 2006
Whispers...
A breeze
brushed twinkles
in my ears.
Space shines
a matching
physical and mental
emptiness.
Detaching attachments,
grasping a whole
but riding the center.
There is little feeling here...
... just a sparkling, whirling breeze.
Denielle S. Rose - October 20, 2006
a matching
physical and mental
emptiness.
Detaching attachments,
grasping a whole
but riding the center.
There is little feeling here...
... just a sparkling, whirling breeze.
Denielle S. Rose - October 20, 2006
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