A flame reignited inside of me,
warm and glowing.
But, scared by flame's touch
I am hesitant to move…
to breathe
as breath fuels fire.
Life.
Keep the embers glowing,
but beware.
I don't know how to approach this.
I see a beauty within me.
Beauty sees beauty. Feels beauty. Wants beauty.
Ignite.
Step back,
with regret.
I am afraid of what this flame could do to you,
and what your reaction could do to me.
So, I sit within these walls
forced into anti-apathy,
defined as…
too much feeling to deal with
so heart and mind deny feeling
until each is capable of sorting through the confusion.
This begins the new chapter.
This introduces the conflict.
Each day passing,
its pages are filled with emptiness
and feeling as though something is missing in the plot,
I am filled with disappointment.
Yet, I see potential.
I see what it is that I want.
Pen out of ink…
Life lacking energy,
these walls seem impenetrable
in this moment.
I want to play,
but cannot move.
I want to run
without running into walls.
I want to scream,
but have no voice.
I want love,
but cannot feel.
Want to feel,
but can only think.
Want to think clearly,
but, can't hold onto a million thoughts racing through my head
as I try to plot my next step.
Cold nights alone.
Teased by oxygen-starved flame.
Racing mind.
Writhing heart.
Meaningless responsibilities thrash before me.
Looking for an outlet to survive,
I stop
and wave goodbye
as the pieces of my life shatter and fall around me.
Confusing speechless spectators,
I glance at my audience and shrug.
Rescue effort, failed.
I have tried to catch these pieces…
…hold up these walls.
Experience is telling me to let go
as I sense I could be buried in an instant,
and frozen bones are fragile bones.
This destruction is unintentional…
I did not crack this shell.
The hammer is not in my hands,
but in my mind
connected to my heart.
As excitement builds
and feelings grow,
the hammer pounds.
And while hammers build houses,
they also tear them down.
I've learned home is where the heart is,
so there I will plant my soul.
But, slow and deliberate are the movements of the carpenter,
and I want to dance in my house.
II.
Tonight I sit, cold.
Mind's spinning slowed to a manageable pace,
still, not moving forward.
A day filled with anticipation of a night out.
Killed by indecision, exhaustion
and fear of misrepresenting passionate spirit
by twisted mind.
My stomach rumbles,
filling me with frustration that
as I try to make my dreams come true,
I am left hungry,
due to methods of control that kill the soul,
and drive us into consumer spending
happiness…
Selling children smiles by sacrificing children.
Selling bouncing breasts and asses,
so you can blow your wad
of cash
infecting lives of women, breasts deflated with hunger and poverty
asses sore with twenty hour, breakless labor stretches
and urine at their feet
Consumer saves a nickel
but cannot save their souls
as they pass it to the rich and powerful few,
who have no control over me.
Art saved my soul,
As I found beauty.
I saw beauty.
I heard beauty.
I felt beauty.
I AM beauty.
I will find my voice in art
and tell it to the world!
And…
while this cloud eats my brain, which tears at my soul
I will believe anything if it holds promise.
Hope.
So tonight,
my empty stomach and quiet heart
look to the stars for guidance.
My mind fills with fairy tales,
not of Prince Charming or a shining knight…
but, of Ugly ducklings and rose-filled eye sockets,
of Sunflower Sutra.
I allow myself to feel a slight warmth from
my soul's glow
but, do not stand too close.
My victory over clouded mind
is exhausted, hungry
and alone.
Existing somewhere between numb and uncomfortable,
with a head full of dreams.
My world.
Comfortable and beautiful..
Smiling, I see us there
sharing ideas and realizing dreams.
I want to be silly.
To laugh,
and play
sing
create
learn
invent
explore
and touch
and in the moments I feel overwhelmed…
cry into you as my eyes celebrate the beauty of it all.
This is my fairy tale…
my motivation to keep moving.
To experience each moment of beauty;
love and sadness
joy and pain
isolation
connection, excitement and fear
in the life I am moving through.
The life that I am running towards
clumsily stumbling towards
arms stretched out before me.
Running sideways and forward at the same time
trying to see and embrace what surrounds me…
anxious to embrace all that lies ahead.
But,
it seems I am only left spinning in circles.
And, if this dizziness
and this fall…
If it's all part of a game…
then I will play along
and laugh my way through it.
But tonight…
as I sit here
Alone and cold.
Hungry.
Struggling just to get up off the porch and go inside,
it does not feel like a game.
Denielle Rose
-March 5th-7th, 2006
- copyright - Denielle Prokopenko Rose * 2010 *
